2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
