Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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