do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
