I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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