Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
