I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
