No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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