Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
