lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
