I just pynch a tree in the face
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
