Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
