can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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