Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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