so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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