I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
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