I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize