its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's just like the Real World with babies
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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