I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize