If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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