And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
