Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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