halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
