I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
