I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
