i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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