when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
