Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
