Cold hands, warm shart.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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