I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
