Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
