Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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