It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
