Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
