so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
