she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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