i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
