Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize