I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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