Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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