Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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