Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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