you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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