please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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