oh god the rape fog is back!
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
