tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
