I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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