if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
