The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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