I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
