sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
