my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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