ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
