girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
