So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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