Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
whose ass print is on the piano?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize