I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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