The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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