just come out here and I will go home with you...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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