i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
