Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i think my cat just said my name.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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