i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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